forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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