I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
