I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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