Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
