The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize