I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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