What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
