so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
