i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
