He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
