I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize