So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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