On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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