My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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