He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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