I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
