I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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