Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
