just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
