I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
