Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
