Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
