so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
