drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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