I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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