my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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