You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
