That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
