Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
