i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
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