i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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