i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
