is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
