My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
