If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
