Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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