Where is the hickey?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize