took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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