I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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