I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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