Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
