you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
