1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
