life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Where is the hickey?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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