Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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