Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
