Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
