Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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