So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
