My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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