Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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