The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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