3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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