I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
