Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
