The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
